xVeRvAiNx

I'm so tired of trying to act so strong and hide my emotions. The truth is, that's what I've been doing since I was only eleven, before then I was a child from hell, I was so emotional and sensitive, and angry, people just thought it was a phase, but it isn't a phase. I say it isn't a phase because it's still going on. When I decided to just hold back my emotions, and overly control them, that was because I thought it would be best at the time, but that only proved to people that it was a phase, even though it isn't. I've been hiding my feelings for so long now that I find it hard to show them and express them without getting a sick feeling like I'm weak and pathetic, like I'm lower than everyone else. I've worked so hard to make people think that I'm the strong, tough girl that I want to be, but I know I still have feelings, and it is hard when people can't understand because you have a hard time expressing it. I still have empathy, because I still feel those powerful emotions that can indeed affect my mood. There isn't a particular cause for these random emotions, but I still get random energetic impulses, that explain my odd sleeping patterns, and random waves of hopelessness that can last for days, and sometimes that hopelessness can get mixed with the energetic impulses and it gets pretty weird, sometimes I just don't care about anything at all, and sometimes I have to try really hard not to cry about something that I know isn't even that important. It's hard because I can't talk to people about it, because I've gotten into the habit of 'making myself stronger' by bottling up so much. Is there something wrong with me? I know it doesn't seem like it, but I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to have to live holding so much back, and using way more control over my emotions than I should. I don't want my emotions to get me or others into trouble, and I don't want to regret expressing my emotions. Usually when people ask that 'what is wrong with me?' question, they only want attention, but I honestly don't think I can handle this much longer. For the few people who actually visit my page, thanks for being so cool.
That's another thing that's bothering me, people claim that they have something wrong with them just so they can use it as an excuse to act out for attention. I used to be sort-of-friends with someone who would always lie to me to make it seem like their lives were the worst lives ever. I believed them the first few times, but then I found out that they were just making shlit up to manipulate people into feeling sorry for them, and for that, I hate them. They can apologize as much as they want, but I hate them either way. When they want to 'be my friend' they want me to be their follower, they'll do anything for attention and I know that, I don't trust them at all, and even if they were telling the truth I wouldn't know if it was true or not, so I would assume it was a lie, like the boy who cried wolf. When I made a new friend, they started acting like a total asshole to her because they were jealous. They assumed I was stupid enough to keep believing their B.S., and would make up horrible excuses when I began questioning them. I hate them, I literally hate them, there is nothing I find attractive about this individual what-so-ever, if they died, I wouldn't even be that sad (I would be sad that they died an asshole, and everyone will remember them as an asshole), I know that sounds like a lousy thing to say, but I'm just being honest. I don't even want to talk about this douche bag anymore. I wish I had never invited them to come and sit with us during lunch. They've changed me in a very bad way, in a way that no one can repair.
I guess I'm officially a killjoy. I've made the fan-art, I've listened to the songs, I've even read the comic. I just need to buy some merch to show off how awesome this band WAS, they freaking broke up which really sucks, because they weren't around long enough. I hope they come back soon, I really love them. It's helping me through some things right now, like a stress reliever
I'm starting to dislike anime more and more. It's just everywhere. I still love SOME anime, and I think some of it is pretty adorable, but the new stuff?...Eh... The reasons why I'm starting to grow apart from it is all of the dehumanization and objectification of women and even YOUNG GIRLS, I seriously think the people behind this are rapists and pedophiles sometimes. Most animes are the biggest cliches ever, it's all the same, and some animes don't even have a plot or a message behind the plot (if any), the best example of the people who write that shlit are a couple of pubescent teenage boys doing it because everyone else is doing it. I don't like the characters that appear the same ever single time. Theres always that one overly emotional 'pretty girl' that is always almost getting herself killed with an extremely annoying voice, there's always that one beautiful guy that all the girls love, that 'sexy girl', who is basically a toothpick with some 5,000 lb boobs and ass slapped on there. OOH another cliche is the wind+short skirt scenes in almost every episode, it's so awkward I hate it. I hate it how the main character is often a perverted swine who would be arrested in the real world for doing the things they do. I'm really starting to notice re-appearing sound affects and voices as well. Most of the time, when a new anime comes out, it isn't even likeable at all, it's stupid, annoying, boring, and, worst of all, cliche. I hope you get the point. Don't get me wrong, I can still be a HUGE Otaku, but I mean, really people? Boobs? Is that all?
One more thing on my mind, NEVER TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS. I've seen it happen. They will mess. you. UP.